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A bad day doesn’t mean you have a bad life, no more than being born in a oven means your a biscuit.

When life gives you lemons, don’t fret. Cut them up and squeeze them into your buddies eyes, then you will learn to appreciate their power.

In New York City I’ve learned that the reason we can’t find a good leader in this country is there all here driving cabs.

U were born an original don’t die a copy. Your tougher than woodpecker lips dipped in cement. Yous slicker than a greased pig at a Mongolian bbq.

That awkward moment when you realize when your wife said she was hungry you were not supposed to say “me too, what are you cooking for dinner?”